I'm a Bad Mother

I lost my temper last night and yelled at Ryan. I feel like the most horrible mom on earth. He didn't deserve it. I was overtired (we'd gone to the drive-in theater) overwhelmed (I had 15 million things in my one hand while the other struggled with the crutch) and he was so unconscious of helping me. I had no right to snap at him like I did and even though I apologized profusely and he forgave me I'm still so angry with myself. Bad mother, bad mother, BAD mother!

We all know that kids can take us to places that we didn't even know existed but usually counting to ten, walking away or other coping mechanisms take over. Our good sense wins out. Once in a while we find ourselves reacting at a gut level and barking at them in a way we wouldn't talk to the dog. The self recrimination and condemnation is hard to deal with afterwards. It makes me wonder about abusive parents. Are they so much MORE overwhelmed than the rest of us? Do they have less coping, less modeling of good behavior, less patience, less ... what?

We don't snap at our kids when we're feeling good, do we? We yell when we've reached a breaking point. So, in abusive families, where is that breaking point? It can't be income. Abuse cuts across all socioeconomic classes. I know sometimes alcohol is involved. That makes sense if we're talking about breaking points. A person who is drinking will have less tolerance simply because all his or her inhibiting skills have gone to zero.

At any rate, back to my scenario. There is no way I can take back the words I spoke (snarled actually ... shut up! Shut up! Shut up!) is what I said. I can't fix this. I apologized, he forgave me ... now the hard part. I need to forgive myself. Why is that always the hardest part?

Have a good day today and give your person with special needs an extra hug. They put up with a lot from us.
Much love and joy,
Karen